The Worst Monster in Hyrule
by Esparia
Summary: Wallmasters are horrifying, Chuchus are pests, Lizafros are kinda cool and all are deadly monsters in the lovely land of Hyrule. However there is one thing that most townsfolk forget...not the slightly crazed Remlets...no no, people know not go near them at night. But it is something even more deadly, and more frightening then one could hope to imagine. (rated for implied violence)


**Esparia: Hello people of the internet! I know I haven't updated AWFF or GR in...a year. Heh, but that's because I'm rewriting AWFF, which was absolutely horrible in the beginning in comparison to my writing skills now. Anyway this is a random one-shot that I thought about making when answering the question "what was your first Cucco attack like?"**

**Link: ****Terrifying.**

**Esparia: Yes well, I didn't know how to work the controls...and in my defense it was the first time playing a gameboy let alone a Legend of Zelda game.**

**Link: You weren't the one that got pecked to death.**

**Esparia: So anyway, I took my unfortunate experience of the cucco glitch and transformed it into Link's cucco one-shot.**

**Link: You're a horrible person.**

**Esparia: I do not own Legend of Zelda, if I did I wouldn't die from scary Cucco attacks.**

**Warning: Ooh, my first appearance! This story warns every reader of the gruesome tails and implying of mental trauma via Cucco. Also be warned that the author has a very dry sense of humor, and she _tried_ to make it somewhat funny in a horrible sort of way. You may now continue.**

The Worst Monster in Hyrule

"Heh. What a day!" A soldier from Hyrule Castle exclaimed, flopping on an open seat in Telma's bar. His curly brown hair was practically dripping blue goo.

He and his buddies were all stopping by after work, their day completely exhausted from the attack of Chuchus.

"Oh I know, I'm completely bushed," one of his friends said, his own red hair in the same condition.

His other buddy chuckled, absently wiping the slime off his tunic, "reminds you of the days before the hero saved us."

The others nodded in agreement to this, while a mass Chuchu uprising was strange now, it wasn't uncommon years before.

"Yeah, I actually got to take down a few good sized Mulbin during that time," the red haired man said.

"Only a few?" Mocked the blonde (or more accurately at the time blue) haired man, "I reckon I took down at least five Mulbin."

"Pah, that's nothing!" said the curly brown haired soldier, "I've faced off Lizafros and have taken them down."

"Lizafros? Those big ugly lizard things in Eldin with the hard tails?" asked a soldier, pausing in his tunic cleaning to listen. Upon getting a nod of confirmation, he pulled out a necklace with Lizafros' claws, "I always wondered what they were."

The other men at the table had a look between awe and jealousy at the talon necklace. The silence was broken when a hooded man walked into the bar, and went strait up to Telma. Ignoring the men at the table.

"Well," said the red haired man, "it wasn't just the Mulbin, I faced off against. There was this one time, a while back, where I was wondering around in this cave. See it was fairly dark, and I had the sneaking suspicion that something was fallowing me. I turn and don't see a thing."

The other men at the table listened to the red haired man talk, they would never admit that they were on the edges of their seats.

The red haired man grinned, "and then it jumped. It was hideous! It clung to my back like a lemur, biting at my neck and trying to kill me. I knew I was going to be dead in a matter of second if I didn't do anything, so I grabbed my torch and shoved it in its face before taking off out of the cave like the hounds of hell were nipping at my feet."

An elderly gentleman had been sitting at the table next to theirs; he cleared his throat to gain the young men's attention. Once they were all quiet he said, "Ye young'ns may have faced off yer monsters. Chuchus, Keese, Mulbin, Lizafros, Bulbin, 'n' Octorok...ye may have seen Ampilus, Wallmasters, a Stall child, o' even a Staldra. But I be almost 100% sure ye kids don't know nuthing on what da true monsters be."

"And what would that be grandpa?" asked one of the men.

The old man leaned back in his wooden chair and said, "Cuccos."

The soldiers laughed, why would a mere bird be more terrifying then the monsters that attacked them? The man had obviously never gone up against any _real_ monsters.

The man that had just finished up talking to Telma turned around, hearing the discussion. His hooded face looked over at the laughing soldiers then back to the old man whom was looking displeased at being laughed at. The hooded man then said, "He's right."

This made the rest of the bar quiet; the only sounds were a mouse scurrying in the corner.

"I'mma mighty glad someone in dis place unda'stands," the old man huffed, downing his cup.

The hooded man walked over and sat by the old man, "Likewise."

"I'm sure the the scariest thing you've ever had to face were only Cuccos," snorted one of the soilders.

The hooded figure inclined his head, "That being correct. Though don't be mistaken that I haven't faced off other things of less danger."

"Like Remlets?" Hooted a soldier.

The hooded man smiled, "Remlets at night are indeed startling, but nowhere near as dangerous as Cuccos."

The soldier sniffed before turning back to his soldier friends.

The hooded man looked at the man in front of him, he then asked, "You seem to have a great amount of experience with the poultry. You wouldn't by chance be a rancher?"

The old man smiled, "I am. Though me Pappy be runn'n the buisness, I jus' do de work with me son."

The hooded man nodded, "I heard quite a bit of livestock were eaten when the "monsters" roamed the area, did you lose much?"

"Heh? No, " the old man said, catching a glint in the younger man's eyes he smirked, and as if adding an afterthought he said "Didnay lose a beasty. Me Pappy use-ta be a knight, back 'fore he retired. He taught us how ta fight off dem Wolfos."

The hooded man's lips twitched up, when he heard the soldiers in the other table quiet. In a light tone he said, "I myself used to help around with the ranches or farms, those Wolfos are real nuisances."

"_Only _a nuisance?" whispered one of the soldiers to one of the others.

The old man nodded in agreement, "At least dey ain't stupid 'nuff ta attack large groups of Cuccos."

"However most people don't dare take on large groups," the hooded man said.

"Dat dem der is very true," The old man said, pondering over the seemingly young man before him. He didn't recall ever meeting a young man that could hold conversation at this level before.

Meanwhile the soldiers were looking at each other in confusion, given the information that they learned of the two, having both fight off Wolfos as if they were nothing, and repetitively saying how dangerous these birds were, they began to wonder.

The hooded man's blue eyes trailed to the soldiers before snapping back to the old man, he leaned forward and said, "Tell me, what was your first attack like?"

This got all the soldiers' attention, along with everyone else in the bar who had experienced a Cucco attack at one time or another.

The veteran rancher released a long drawn out breath, "Son, it still bring me nightmares. I got lucky 'n' was only in a small outta da way ranch."

Everyone's ears were on what the man had to say, even the mouse was listening.

The old man filled up his cup, and took a sip before he continued, "Me pappy tol' me ta give dis package ta dis creepy ol' pirate man down by da riva'. On me way down, I pass dis ranch with dese white birdies walk'n aroun'. I 'ad neveh seen a Cucco 'fore, so I went up ta it 'n' right dere poked it."

Almost everyone in the bar flinched, everyone with the exception of the townsmen and soldiers who were raised in the town.

"Den dey attacked a good twenty sumthing of dem cam at me. Da only way I 'scaped was by jump'n inta da riva'. Once dey was gone, I drag me wet body outta da riva' 'n' go ta da ol' man's place. He be pretty upset dat I ruined da package, but when he saw da bleed'n gouges in me skin. He insta'ly let up. Say'n I learnt me lesson. He den tell me, dat I was lucky to have me two eyes. 'parrently dat was how he lose his right one."

"That certainly is a story to tell." The hooded man said, "most people I ask were only attacked by five to ten."

"Peep'ol let der guard down 'roun' deir cute lil' white faces," the old man nodded, "dey learn ta regret it."

"That they do, and then have the scars to remind them every day hence," the hooded man said.

"Mmhm, speak'n of scars," the old man turned to one of the soilders who hadn't spoken yet. He appeared to be a newbie, with thick black hair held back by a leather cord and nervous brown eyes. The old man said, "dat nasty scar 'bove yer lef' eye. Dat come from da devil birdies, no?"

The black haired man gave a quick nod and said, "Yes sir, I don't tell nobody about where it came from. They don't tend ta believe me, or laugh in my face."

The other soldiers looked at their young companion in surprise, they knew the boy had a fear of birds but no one knew for sure as to why.

"What was your first attack like?" asked the hooded man, amused that the boy's fellow soldiers were looking at the kid with something that resembled respect.

The boy scratched his scar in embarrassment, "I-it wasn't something like his story, only a few. Maybe, six birds? I was three at the time, and thought that it'd be funny ta pull out a tail feather. You can probably guess what happened afterward."

The people in the bar shuddered, most in sympathy, others in horror at what was implied.

There was a long silence in Telma's Bar before the boy asked, "What was your first Cucco attack like, sir?"

The hooded figure, sighed, rubbed his face, before pushing his cloak to the side. He lifted the hem of his tunic to reveal the scarred tissue of his abdomen. "The long thin scars are from varies monsters I've encountered in my travel. Ranging from Keese to Dark lords. But these..." he turned a bit in his seat and hefted the worn tunic, damaged chain mail, and stained undershirt to show his back. At first you would notice the web like patterns on his back, then you would notice how chunks were missing, and finally you would realize with horror that you could make out the outline of certain muscle where other were gone, "...are from my first Cucco attack."

One of the castle guards fainted, the others looked to be on the verge of doing just that.

"I had just gotten out of a rather unforgiving fight with a River Zora. But other then a few flesh wounds and bruises, I was fine. I had planned on cutting grass for a stray rupee or maybe a fairy when I noticed a stray bird. I thought to myself, well if I can get Rupees or fairies from cutting grass or breaking pots...then surely I can by killing a helpless bird. To top it off, I was hungry. And eating Keese meat for three days in a row was getting to be annoying. So I hit the bird,-"

Everyone was frozen as they held their breath.

"-it didn't die right away, like I had thought it would. No. Just as I was about to strike it again, the most terrifying sound echoed off edges of the cliffs surrounding me. The sound still haunts my dreams and every waking moment. CUCCOODOO!"

Everyone in the bar jumped, some hid under the table, while others rocked back and forth in the corner.

"Then they were there. At first it was only several, five to ten. I quickly realized my mistake and ran from them but soon realized that I'd have to get out of the area completely if I wanted to escape them. I ran to the nearest exit, slowly gaining more Cuccos behind me as I went. Only to find a group of Cuccos blocking my exit along with a series of rocks I couldn't climb over. I turned around and narrowly dodged the Cuccos that were coming at me from behind. I ran as fast as I could, by now there were probably a good fifty Cuccos behind me, and slowly gaining in number."

The old man and black haired boy gaped at the hooded man in horror and awe that he came off as untouched as he did.

"I was nearing the exit which would bring my safety, only for another twenty Cuccos to come out of nowhere. They were grazing and pecking happily until they saw their brethren coming at me. They gave the most ferocious cry I've ever heard and came charging at me. I ran off to the side, thinking I would let them follow me around the clearing before I swooped into the exit. I now ran with at least 70 angry Cuccos behind me, but when I turned the corner I was face to face with at least another 50 more. I backed away and ran, but with flocks upon flocks of Cuccos practically spilling out of the side of the cracks in the cliffs, I was doomed. I've never seen so many birds in my life, and haven't since. With my energy spent, and surrounded by a good two hundred Cuccos, I found myself trapped in a corner with nowhere to go. I thought I would die that day, which I'm fairly sure I did. If it wasn't for that fairy, I'm sure I wouldn't be here today."

The old man shook his head in astonishment, "Son, what in dis good earth did ye do ta deserve _dat_?"

The hooded man shrugged, "I have no idea, and frankly I don't think I want to know."

After a good silence one of the castle soldiers said, "I bet you're all making this up. There is no way that such weak birds could do that amount of damage."

The hooded man raised an eyebrow before lifting his hood back, his face away from the guard that spoke. Everyone that saw his face gasped.

Finally he said, "I have seen the worst this world could offer, I've saved this world from its many monsters, and have fought things more horrifying then you could ever imagine. I have gone up against evil kings, dark lords, mages, sorceresses, the living foes and dead foes, I have gone back in time, I have saved many distant lands, I have even saved this kingdom of Hyrule, and lived to tell the tale. And you have the audacity to tell me that I don't know what I'm saying when I tell you that Cuccos are the worst type of monster there is?"

The soldier said, "What are you yapping about? Only the hero Link can say those things, and Link would not have problems against a few birds."

The man chuckled, "while I'm glad that you have such faith in the hero. I'm sorry to say that it isn't valid in this case."

The soldier was practically smoking at the ears, "Why you little-"

"Because I_ am_ Link," the man said as he turned around laughing.

"Wha? Wha?" the man started, "but you fought the...but..."

"Yes, I'm saying that a bunch of birds are harder to beat then the Evil King Ganondorf, who I'm sure would agree with me," snickered Link.

The old man laughed, "Boy, out of all de war stories ye could 'av telled, ye chose de scariest."

"That I did," Link smiled.

The old man shook his head, "Im jus'ta su'pris'd dat ye not com'n down wit' PTSD like me."

Link nervously scratched the back of his head, "I probably am, I'm still just in shock."

A woman came up to him and handed him and the old man a card, "there is a Cucco support group for victims every Wednesday that I go to. There are people of all race there so I hope you don't mind the few Korkiri, Zora, Goron, Gerudo, Bulbin, or the Wolfos there."

"No, not at all," said Link, taking the card and examining it.

"Dis may jus' be wut I be need'n fo' da pas' fifty years," the old man said.

"Could I have one of those?" asked the black haired boy, blushing he added, "I've been attacked more than once."

The lady smiled and handed a card to the young knight.

Link and the old man paid for their bill before walking out the door of Telma's bar.

"Support group eh?" said the old man, "worth a shot."

Link thought the same thing; maybe he'd finally get past his fear of the poultry. He then heard a subtle clucking sound from behind him.

"Hey there little guy...h-heh-heh...AHHHHH!" Link screamed before running away in a mad dash to escape any possible attack on his life. Only to trip over a Remlet who hissed and began scratching his face off, "Oh thank goodness. It's just a Remlet."

The Remlet stopped scratching his face to look at him. This man was weird, it thought, before walking away. Weird humans usually meant it was dangerous, and not in its right mind. Best to stay as far away as possible from it. Besides, any human with a subtle scent of Cucco and wasn't dead, _had_ to be dangerous.

The Cucco watched the man in the green sprint away from it, laughing mentally at the tall man who had obviously done the stupid thing and attacked one of it's kin. There were few things that all Cuccos agreed on, and those were the things made law by the first Cucco flock.

Cucco Law:

1)Always defend your flock.

2) Show no mercy to those who hurt your flock.

3) Everyone is part of the flock.

4) Your neighbor flock's enemy is your flock's enemy.

Needless to say, the Cucco law was never broken, and it has been standing for as long as Cucco roamed the earth. Besides, as far as the Cucco race were concerned there was no reason to change such successful laws. Sure some Cucco were touchier then others, but it mattered little in the long run. The Cucco just clucked in amusement before turning to face a rather strange human that was watching this night unfold through what appeared to be a floating wall. It thought that the human in the wall was dressed strange, and frankly, seemed a bit confused about the situation. That is, until it realized the Cucco was staring at it through the screen.

" CUCCOODOO!" The Cucco screeched before lunging at the floating wall, which quickly disappeared because safety precautions demanded repair be made due to fourth wall breakage.

The End...

**Esparia: Leave comments or share your first Cucco attack with me. It's interesting to hear people's tales. You can use the PM if you so wish.**


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